Starting University should be a time for culinary experimentation. Freed from domestic drudgery, no more shall you be forced to eat the tasteless, greying morass served up night after night by your talentless parents. It’s quails’ eggs and Beluga caviar from now on! Well, perhaps not quite. If you live on a student loan, or if Pappy is a little unpredictable with his handouts, you may find yourself with the food budget of a tongueless troglodyte. Fear not! I, Keith Floyd shall show you how to eat extravagantly for (almost) nothing.
- Open a bottle of good quality red — a Louis Latour should satisfy for this recipe. Pour yourself a glass and imbibe.
- Select your pigeon. Luckily London pigeons are not seasonal, and can be found all year round across the city. Hampstead will provide a better bird, but those around Trafalgar Square rarely have two legs and so are easy to catch.
- Have another swig of red.
- Tether your bird securely to table leg/door handle/fellow student.
- Take a funnel (most definitely in season during Freshers’ week) and insert into your pigeon’s oesophagus. Pour in 250g mashed grain. If you have trouble finding grain, Sugar Puffs will work equally well.
- By now you’ll definitely need a stiff one — top up your glass and have a sneaky slug of Latour.
- Repeat the gorging process daily for 12–15 days, depending on the size of the pigeon (and of your wine cellar).
- Take the pigeon to the nearest medical student for slaughter and dissection.
- Spread liver thickly on stale bread — remember, mould is the poor man’s truffle.
- Open another bottle of wine to taste.
Bon appétit! Love! Kisses! Etcetera!