1. Croydon
Kate Moss was born here in 1974. Then she left. Home to some of the finest clubs outside London including Tiger Tiger, free of gun scares since 2006; Walkabout, which serves hotdogs on club nights; The Hustler Club where girls with their tits out will say they love you for £10. There is also a wealth of culinary delights to choose from including eight McDonalds and six Subways, all within easy reach of the town centre between East, West and South Croydon!*
2. Swindon
Mark Lamarr was born here in 1967. Then he left. Other than this the only attraction is ‘The Magic Roundabout’ — a road junction composed of five interconnected mini-roundabouts.
3. Luton (twinned with Karachi)
A slice of the Asian sub-continent in the middle of rural Bedfordshire. See where the 7/7 bombers got on the train. Mosque themed alarm clocks available on the high street.
4. Weston-super-Mare
As seen on ‘T4 on the Beach’, W-s-M is a delightful seaside resort in the West Country, home to two disgraced piers. Host to several traditional regional sports including lobbing cans at donkeys and Time-Crisis III. Also contains the largest private collection of 2p Falls outside of the former Eastern Bloc.
5. Berwick-upon-Tweed
The second hyphenated entry on our list lies on the border between England and Scotland. Notable for its pub quiz status due to its long war with the Russian Empire. Watch in awe as the English pubs close at 11pm and several hundred alcoholics cross the border en masse.
6. Coventry (twinned with Dresden)
Extensively remodelled by noted German architect and urban planner Hermann Göring in 1940. A must-see for the fan of concrete Brutalism. England’s first incident of lewd public behaviour and streaking was recorded here in 1046.
7. Basildon
Affectionately known by its residents as ‘Bas Vegas’, this London commuter cunt-hive boasts the smallest gene pool in Europe. Also home to several well-funded STI research centres, such as Wetherspoon’s and Yates’s.
8. Ashby-de-la-Zouch
Long mocked for its association with the word ‘Douche’, A-d-l-Z has really come of age since the opening of the A511 bypass in 2004. There really never has been a better time to drive past the town.
North Croydon was lost during the Macmillan administration at some point in the 1960s.