Girls! Chuck out your chihuahua! Pressure cook your poodle! It’s time to fasten that diamanté and rhinestone collar around a new neck – the pet hate!
Pet hates are absolutely all the rage. Backstage at Calvin Klein, male model Kreem Ofman shares his enthusiasm. “Like, they’re totally blind but have, like, an amazing sense of smell! Watching a pet hate hone in on a target is like watching an amorous hedgehog in a, like, broom cupboard.”
“They’re the most fabulous darlings,” raves Madonna, singer and pro-wrestler. “I love their tiny adorable razor-sharp teeth, they just niggle and niggle! Mine is specially trained to disembowel anyone who keeps me from my hormone supplements. And it used to vomit sulphuric acid all over Guy’s feet when he came out of the shower! Isn’t that adorable?”
To find out more, we visited Mimi Saunders, a breeder of pet hates, in her palatial semidetached in Woodford Green. “They have a very noble history,” says attractive mother of two Mimi, 47. “They were originally bred right here in the bosky depths of Suburbia, by Amazonian housewives fighting for Tupperware supremacy and one anothers’ husbands. They also live for a very long time. I can
A pet hate, still a nuisance still remember my mother’s pet hate – she gave it the same name as my brother, bless her – she just couldn’t let it go, and it outlived its namesake!”
Mimi was keen to share her vision with us. “I personally raise the hates right from their infanthood as nuisances. I feed them on a strict diet of vinegar and bile. Each pet hate is completely individual – there’s just no telling which one you’ll take home. I’ve even sold the little sweethearts to families where one or two members were allergic to the poor creature, but such is the bond between a human and their pet hate that most of those ended up broken homes anyway.”