It’s been a busy term here at university, what with all the important jobs - thank God for free coffee! With this in mind, I’m keen that this year we have a stress free and cosy holiday.
I don’t think, mummy, that we can afford to call it Christmas anymore - libel action from the Church could ensue; I’ve noticed that the name contains a not-so-oblique reference to a certain famous saviour. I’m no lawyer mummy, I have neither the Latin nor the intelligence as we know, but my instincts say that this is asking for trouble. Might I suggest some alternatives? I was thinking, either ‘The Clinton Non-Affiliated Festival’, ‘The Period of (noncopyright encroaching) Jollity’, or my personal favourite: ‘Blank Fun Day’.
Further to this I would advise that you give careful consideration to the exact nature of our decorations. We don’t want to offend anyone. Like it or not, we are living in the 21st Century now, and other religions don’t need our Christianity shoved in their faces. Keep it simple mummy. Not wanting to offend any tastes or stir up any trouble, I can thoroughly recommend the sparse, barren image that we’ve adopted in the public areas here at UCL. Plus we can afford to spend a little extra this year because I’ve noticed there’s quite a bit of money left over in the Union budget. I feel I’ve more than earned the right to spend this.
Health and safety is another issue I would like to address. Keen to avoid such drama as we saw during last year’s Nana-gate incident, I propose the creation of an adivsory board with me as Chair to give the house a once over. In the mean time can I suggest plastic cutlery and fire extinguishers? Food temperatures must be constantly monitored during Christmas lunch; after all, I like my potatoes lukewarm. If you follow the simple steps that I have laid out here, we can all look forward to a lawsuit free Christmas.
Yours sincerely, Charlie, x x x