“The Christmas Fayre Association would like to announce some changes have been made to the Magical Candy Grotto arrangements this year. Owing to the myopia of this year’s Personnel Executive Mrs Pumblechook and the wilful dyslexia of the tracksuited slattern we charitably offered an internship to, this year’s Father Christmas will be Satan, not Santa.
The CFA would like to assure everyone that this will not affect the standard or content of the Grotto in any way. We will continue to buy our gifts from Lapland Prezzies Ltd. Parents who raised concern at the last meeting over the replacement of Santa’s little helpers with succubi and whores are reassured that all gifts must pass the CFA Board of Quality regulations. All candy canes come arsenic free, the dolls come with appropriate underwear, clockwork toys will not break and go ‘spoing’ until the 31st Jan and all toy guns come with just the right bullets.
Satan and his associates are more than capable of carrying Santa’s bulging sack, having years of experience in dealing with empty promises and disappointed screams. We are quite confident that he will continue Santa’s positive work in rewarding good little children and punishing the bad; in the Voice of the Void’s own words: “Good little boys live to decorate the Yule tree, naughty little pricks get filled with larvae, and good little girls get muffins and curls but tricky little bitches get closed up with stitches.” An ethos Mrs Pumblechook and the Association have (after lengthy contract negotiations and a game of poker) absolutely suscribed to with all their souls.
We wish everyone a happy holiday season and we hope to see you all at the Fayre - it’ll be fiendishly fun!”