“THIS UNION NOTES:
That... the General Secretary, Samantha “Krang” Godwin, and her footsoldiers, “Bebop” and “Rocksteady”, overturned the decision of the Executive Committee to call a referendum on student military groups and NUS affiliation.”
“THIS UNION BELIEVES:
1. That Jeremy Bentham would want us to call a referendum to ensure the “the greatest happiness of the greatest number”.
2. That some members of the Union have engaged in witchcraft to prevent the Executive Committee from functioning properly.
3. That the General Secretary has the management skills of a piece of celery.
4. That point 3 in “This Union Believes” breaches the celery’s equal opportunities.
5. That people that stand on a “political platform” should be pushed off it from a great height.
6. That Jeremy Bentham would beat the Phineas soldier in a fight.
7. That the General Secretary lives in the “Technodrome” and is from “Dimension X”.
8. That if this really serious motion is still being discussed Union Council must still be quorate! A miracle! Whoop!
“THIS UNION RESOLVES:
1. To rename the General Secretary the “Evil Ninja” and rename the Finance and Administration Officer the “Good Ninja” for the remainder of this academic year.
2. That the “Good Ninja” shall win all battles against the “Evil Ninja”.
3. To ban the General Secretary from writing disjointed rants to members of the students’ union for the remainder of the academic year.
4. That Jim “Leonardo” Hunkin is to all intents and purposes a part-time Union Sabbatical Officer.
5. To ensure that no celery stick receives “less favourable treatment” than the General Secretary (Standing Orders, Section 1, III, B).
6. To viciously stab with Nunchakus the next person who calls quorum especially if we don’t like them.