EVERYONE’S ALWAYS banging on about how Christmas is getting too commercial. How it’s now all about selling special ales and the newest gadgets and putting money in people’s pockets, when it should be about love, family, and tenderness. You know what I say to that? Bollocks! In my opinion, Christmas is not commercial enough!
Crown of Thorns
What’s that? Materialism is bad? But I said, “It is easier for a camel go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God”? Don’t tell me what I said, you ungrateful little twat! I know what I said and I know where it got me. When I was hanging up there on that cross, covered in lash-marks, all I could think was, “Shit… I should have at least saved up a few quid for some Ibuprofen.”
Christmas isn’t about spending time with the people you care about. It’s about me! Me me me! And I want to see everyone emptying their walhappy they are that I was born! I will not be satisfied till every man, woman, and homeless person is listening to Cliff Richard’s “Millennium Prayer” on an iPod Touch. (Oh and don’t you even start on how the song should be “Silent Night” or one of those other “traditional” bumjockey songs). I want bright lights, loud noises, and shiny things in excess, to commemorate how fucking lucky you are that I exist!
Crotchless lingerie
And I want more Jesus products out there! You’d better be sure that you are drinking Jesus brand wine (made with 100% water) come Christmas dinner and then proceed to shag your wife as she wears her new Mary Magdalene-style crotchless lingerie. Heaven has a price tag! You’d better save up enough receipts of Virgin Mary pregnancy tests and Jesus action play sets (complete with crown of thorns and removable nails) if you even want a bloody shot of getting in. You think eternal bliss is free? Sod right off pal!
The Three Magi had it right. Well… maybe not the two who brought frankincense and myrrh. They could fuck right off for all I care. But the other one… oh man, was he on the money! That’s what Christmas is all about: dishing out bling! So next time you’re about to complain about the commercialisation of Christmas, just ask yourself: What Would Jesus Do? The Answer: Buy a ton of shit.