Like, listen. We know that safety isn’t your primary concern when starting university – that’s understandable! You’re far more likely to be wondering about great deals on baked beans or the latest Compact Disc from the Arctic Monkeys! However, if you don’t even think about staying safe, then frankly you’re a complete waste of space who deserves to be knifed in a back alley in Tower Hamlets. So read on and we’ll show how to put the ‘fun’ back into ‘fundamentally eradicating the causes of crime’.
Unswerving vigilance rules!
When on a night out maintain constant, unswerving vigilance at all times. Don’t do reckless things like blink while drinking. That splitsecond lapse in concentration could be all that’s needed for some idiot, thinking it’s a laugh, to spike your drink. Also, never accept drinks from strangers – this extends to bar staff and shopkeepers as well. You’re just asking to be raped! In fact it’s best not to drink at all just to be safe. Remember, if a mate starts acting a bit funny in a pub or club or does something perhaps a teensy bit out of character, then they’ve been drugged. You must immediately put to a stop to the celebrations and send everyone home. Make sure you report every single partygoer to the police the following morning.
Don’t get involved in fights or confrontations – what’s the point? Who needs the hassle? Just relax, chill out, smoke some weed! Actually though, seriously, don’t, ever, under any circumstances, because if you’re caught it can mean anything from a £5000 fine to 5-7 years imprisonment. A conviction for drugs can also mean exclusion from certain countries, such as Kyrgyzstan and East Timor. So bang go holidays there as well!
Still, even with all this awesome safety advice on board, chances are it will all go Pete Tong at some stage. Try and enjoy yourselves, but don’t forget, the creeping spectre of death stalks you at every single turn. No matter what you do or where you go, you have a 75% chance of being kidnapped, murdered, or ferociously sodomised at any given time. Our advice is to try to avoid leaving your room; but if you really feel like taking the risk, like, carry a rape alarm!