UCL IS SO CULTURALLY inclusive and diverse it hurts. While this diversity is obviously great, it means that Freshers’ Week is unsuitable for at least three of our new students. Fear not! Thanks to thorough consultation with the Anthropology Department this potentially sticky problem has been avoided. We discovered that the only things common to all cultures are ‘coming of age’ and death rituals. And so, this year, we present our final solution: to augment Freshers’ Week with a secondary week… just for slaughter! But wait a minute! We’re UCL, a global university, so we won’t just be executing one race, we’re going for the record! We won’t be settling for “mass slaughter” à la Virginia Tech, it’s multi-culti-genocide or bust! Our indiscriminate killing of all races will ring through the ages carrying the name of UCL along with it. This is Genocide that will go down in the genocidal history books (i.e. all of them). Together, Let’s Make Genocide History!™ But how can I help, we hear you cry? Read on!
Before the Big Week!
BE SURE TO research likely victims, after all, we need someone to decimate! Clues may be a good command of English, a preference for tasty food or a vague sense of discretion; but don’t let these restrict you, it’s by no means an exclusive list! Identify what part of Efnia they’re from and note any unusual beliefs or physiognomical features. We want to make sure to get a diverse selection that accurately represents UCL’s cultural milieu! So get cross-referencing, Dewey decimal fans!
THESPS MAY LIKE TO try out for the UCLU Drama Society production of ‘Genocider with Rosie’. A post-modern dramatisation of the classic novel, the play beautifully depicts a young, idealistic Hutu during his transformation from boy to man set against the backdrop of a pastoral village in the Cotswolds as well as meticulously detailing his efforts to begin ethnic cleansing of the local squirrel tribe.
During Genocide Week
GET CRAFTY WITH some blood painting on the doors of known infidels. The best sigil, as judged by the Angel of Death (who we are lucky enough to have presiding over the competition), will be reproduced on places of worship all over London. The winning artist will also receive a book token.
SPORTY? Why not join the baying mob? UCL will supply the pitchforks but be sure to bring your own flaming torches and yokel mentalities. Remember, these people are animals so do make sure your jabs are up to date! If you feel in need of a bit of practice to sharpen up your victimisation skills, there are a number of flagrant homosexuals who are only too happy to be chased out of the toilets before being brought to ground by a number of well-muscled, sporty young lads. Do contact the relevant societies for help and be sure to fill out a risk assessment form.
THE BLOODY MAYHEM of Genocide week culminates with a ball in the Quad. Ride the dodgems over the freshly dug surface of a mass grave, and swig screwdrivers before the final prize giving. Our guest speaker, President Robert Mugabe will be giving out awards for the most enthusiastic lynching before revealing the number of obscure ethnic groups eradicated during the course of the week. The ceremony climaxes with the removal of the live heart of the 10,000th victim by Mr Mugabe on stage. As the blood washes down the Portico steps, you can dance the night away to an exclusive set by Prussian Blue. There will be chocolate fountains.