THERE IS NOTHING new about teenage rebellion. In the Sixties, the disaffected youth became drug-addled hippies; whilst in the Seventies they all started toying with make-up and other men’s genitals. Now, in the Naughty Noughties, antagonistic youngsters are turning to necrophilia as the new hip way to really piss off their parents.
No risk of pregnancy
Sociologist Dr J. Dahmer defends the youth movement: “All they are simply doing is looking for increasing ways to express themselves and to really shock ‘ma and pa’.” But surely this new craze carries a tremendous amount of risk, from diseases to questionable ethics? “Let’s just be thankful that young people are moving away from tagging public buildings. Besides, it doesn’t really harm anybody and it’s certainly keeping rates of teenage pregnancy down”.
Not under my roof
Despite these assurances, parents are continuing to fill the tired cliché of ‘shocked and square’ guardians. Says one concerned parent, “In my day, we ‘got one over’ on our parents by smoking ‘puff’, or maybe leaving our used condoms down the back of the sofa. But fornication with the deceased? I mean, I’m not a prude – I frequently put a fist inside my wife during intimate moments – but I’d rather things went back to how they used to be with Jimmy – My wife says she’d even return to doing the weekly washes of his jizz-soaked boxer shorts with a skip in her step.”
Maggie’s Necrophiles
Dahmer explains young Richard Soames people can’t be held responsible for their actions, and in fact, it is their parents that are to blame. “Giving birth in the Eighties was as good as sitting your child down in front of a cadaver filled with jelly beans and telling them to ‘play with the piñatà”.
Leathery bits
So what do the teenagers make of all this? Jimmy himself told us: “It all started when I was eating a hard boiled egg onto which my mum had drawn a face. I tapped the head off and then suddenly wondered what it would be like to put my dick in it. It might piss off my parents, but I think it’s my way of finding my identity. And anyway, old people have sex, don’t they? So please can you explain the difference between the leathery vagina of a 60 year-old and that of a corpse?”
Jimmy makes a good point. And until we find the answer to his question, his parents (and society at large) can expect a lot more of his adolescent hi-jinx: “I’m sticking two fingers up at my parents, just like I’ve always done. Only this time, they’re inside the snatch of a road-accident victim.”