I didn’t think giving up sex would be hard. I mean, what would I be forgoing but countless hours spent lying on my back, legs akimbo, trying to calculate how much of Extreme Makeover I was missing? Easy right? Wrong.
My first night of abstinence and I foolishly tried going out. How was I to know that celibacy would make me a complete man magnet? I was radiating sexual energy like never before. Rugby players were drooling as if they were dogs and I was covered head to toe in minced meat. It was so diffi cult to deflect all that attention! Ladies, remember that when you’re contemplating following in my footsteps, you must be prepared to sacrifi ce your social calendar in order to avoid the temptation of letting men adore you. And beware! Danger also lies within your phonebook. That desperate guy who writes your essays could all of a sudden become an Adonis before your frustrated eyes. So, don’t forget to delete ugly people’s numbers.
Well, it’s all over now and phew, it’s sure been a gruelling week! It’s so ironic that now in my PA (post abstinence) phase I suddenly have a much more positive outlook on the dating scene. It’s clear to me now that we women fuss too much over little things. Why are we so negative? ‘Rape’, ‘domestic violence’ and the like are just exaggerated terms coined by feminists to make us normal women join their bull-dyke cause.
PA me knows that a little smack now and again just shows he really cares, and trust me, after an episode of sexual depravation, you’d welcome a little slap and tickle too. Ladies, have you noticed how ironically, today’s capitalist society materialism is killing romance? Exactly. Girls, you mustn’t spend so much time fretting over a guy’s dress sense, it’s what’s underneath (his clothes) that counts. Forget Bentleys and bling, we must get back to nature and get in touch with our primal selves. Just like the saying, the best gift in life is free it certainly doesn’t come in small packages. Ask yourselves this; if Chlamydia is symptom-less, does it even really exist?
This milestone has made me realise I’m just a sexual being. For me it was an enlightening experience. However, if now you’ve considered it long and hard (no pun intended) you’ve decided against it, I shall pass no judgement. My research has shown us that men aren’t all bad. There’s a little bit of Mr Right inside everyone, why not inside you, right?