The most intelligent among us carry knives for self-defence. As Darwin said, those who adapt, will survive and this is true of Britain in the 21st Century. By arming themselves the smart live longer and procreate. But why stop there? By promoting knife crime we can actively purge our streets of idiots. This is the future for humanity; I should know because I dreamt it all last Wednesday. People across London are already taking it upon themselves to become the ‘combine harvesters’ of social Darwinism and separate the wheat from the chav. One UCL student told Squared: “Some of my friends were mugged on their way home from lectures, so I did the clever thing and got myself a fi ve-inch blade. So far I’ve only had to use it once, on some guy with an artifi cial leg who wanted some spare change. He won’t be threatening people again…nor doing much else, come to think of it.”
I can see this all makes sense (and if you don’t, save me the bother and stab yourself), but this supra-natural selection is being threatened by Blair’s Government. The supposed crime crackdown is widely publicised as an effort to “make our streets safer”. If you look at the conspiracy theories you’ll see the reality; all this is a subtle plan so the Government can engineer their own social experiment. The national knife amnesty last year collected 17,715 weapons. Hardly a success when you think that this means that there are now 17,715 intelligent people without protection from the stupid. But how would the Government profi t you ask? My mate in the pub told me the answer; by disarming the intelligent, the stupid are favoured. The evidence is clear. The offi cial line on the danger of carrying a knife is that it may be turned back on the person wielding it. Hardly; have you ever looked at the other end of a knife? It’s just a handle and that won’t hurt anyone remotely intelligent. By feeding us these sugared words about ‘public safety’ the Government is attempting a form of genetic cleansing that will leave only the tumescent mob of crowd-followers, nurtured on a diet of junk food, an education in social etiquette and personal ambition from so-called ‘reality’ television. Have you ever noticed that is that the intelligent are now forced to walk the streets unprotected. Worse still, the entire scheme is legal. The current law states it is illegal to carry any knife ‘with the exception of a folding pocketknife with a blade not exceeding 3 inches.’ But there is no footnote detailing the extended medical evidence that people with an IQ lower than 40 have skin of more than 3 inches’ thickness whilst the intelligent make do with only 2.5 inches; making them wholly vulnerable to the legalised pocket knife.
Furthermore, I think I remember reading somewhere that the Government plans to give teachers the powers to search pupils for knives. Clearly the State is attempting to weed out the intelligent in order to persecute them. This would certainly explain the ever-increasing focus on harder GCSE and A Level exams, a vital tool in locating those posing the greatest threat. I wouldn’t even trust Question Time. Once your local MP knows you’re cleverer than him/her, your days are numbered. Cleansing of the intelligent is a reality. Are you one of the endangered?