PIRATES. For days my fantasies had featured ragged shorts, earrings and sex on the beach (with or without cocktail umbrella). Pirates were my sort of people, the ribald jeering, the camaraderie, a jolly roger or two and all whilst decked in John Paul Gautier stripy jumpers and entrancingly tight trousers. Just who wouldn’t go overboard? Pirates give me the horn. So I primed my pork cutlass, chose a suitably flavoured lubricant and prepared my parrot for the trip of a lifetime!
As I arrived at the boat there was a small nagging feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but any doubts quickly disappeared as my first seadog hove into view. I tried my best patois, but only got grunts in return. My perineum positively tingled with the thrill of all the authenticity. My new acquaintance made come to bed gestures with his Kalashnikov and I could only follow him. As we made our way to our crow’s nest, I realised what was wrong; the hygiene standards left a lot to be desired!
Things got worse when I realised that I needed to make my toilette. None of the usual gay hand signals were working. Things were clearly different in Somalia and so I was forced to resort to sound effects. My lover pointed me overboard. I gazed down and it was then I knew I wasn’t at home anymore. The side of the boat was streaked with piss, and the odd suspicious brown lump clung to the side. I suspected they were not seaweed. Oh lord, I nearly vomited on the spot. Suddenly I was overcome by the incredible feeling of distance from the nearest porcelain throne and well-lit mirror. As I stood there, waving my cutlass feebly and trying to dredge up some of my former swashbuckling allure, a gentleman came over and proceeded to hang his perfect buttocks over the edge and do his worst. I couldn’t stand it.
Everything was wrong; the poor grooming, the errant shit stains, the ignorance of gay signals, rejecting my advances. I began sobbing when it dawned that they probably weren’t even au fait with poppers! I was really starting to regret having had my left leg amputated for authenticity.