Dear Sai, I’ve been thinking about becoming a Scientologist, but I’ve heard they’re a bit costly. What would you advise?
Sai Says: You’re right to be wary; we’ve received a large number of complaints about the Scientologists. In a new suspiciously philanthropic stance they are offering the unassuming punter the chance to find out why he is so unhappy with his life for FREE. Normally, the Church’s stress tests are upwards of £500; “great!” you might think, but wait; don’t be so hasty.
Also dubbed the “Oxford Capacity Analysis” (no link to Oxford University) the tests are designed to distract you whilst the Scientologists pilfer your loose change and clone your credit card. Yeah, you might find out what alien you’re akin to but everything is rigged so that there’ll always be something wrong with you. If you’re clever, you’re ugly. If you’re clever and hot, daddy doesn’t love you. If it’s none of the above, you like to touch yourself while listening to Peter Gabriel. Either way you’re a flawed motherfucker.
Several victims claim that Scientologists tried to bewilder them with extra-terrestrial jargon like ‘Thetans’, ‘Xenu’ and ‘Tom Cruise’. In reality, they just want your cash; a recent leaked memo informs members that “If the subject breaks the rules they pay; if they follow the rules they pay more; should they lose the list of rules a replacement copy costs £80.”
You have been warned.