You will need
Rope
Barbed wire
Zip handcuffs
.300 Weatherby Magnum
High-powered rifle
Buck Folder knife
Cooking pot
Spoon
Successful Capture
IT IS WISE TO MAKE the philosopher play by your rules, so pursue it during the day, in open spaces, or around other people where its social shortcomings will render it a simple target. Do not target professors; their ivory tower at 19 Gordon Square is an impenetrable fortress guarded by a hideous chimera ( ½ man, ½ unknown DNA) that answers to the name Zuboff. Instead aim for undergraduates. The prize trophies, however, will always be the PhD students. Due to population concerns over the last decade, it is currently illegal to kill Fresher philosophers under the Endangered Species Act.
The Hunt
Lure the philosopher towards the hunting party with absolute statements such as: ‘Murder is always wrong!’ Most specimens will flock to you like moths on Ecstasy. If this fails deploy lollipops, the philosopher always requires something to suck on while they think.
Once you have engaged the philosopher in competitive dialogue you must then rile it into anger. The political nerve is the one most easily struck. Espouse the necessity of Capitalism and draw parallels between the Free Market Mechanism and Natural Selection. The philosopher will bite. Once drawn into a debate, the organism will lose any concept of its surroundings, thus you and your team should work to encircle it.
Most philosophers battle only with words. However, beware! Should you encounter an anarchist, (known for their ruffled tatterdemalion appearance and spectacular dorsal features), you must subdue it immediately. This species of philosopher can become violent at any perceived threat to their freedom. They are reported to have destroyed countless McDonalds, Starbucks and other notorious institutions of torture. Shoot to kill.
The Kill
The lead huntsman should work to isolate the target. Move from political discourse to ethical problems, e.g. ‘objectively, there is no such thing as right and wrong’ (they will accept this) and then progress to metaphysical disputes, e.g. ‘no known theory of truth has any real credibility’ (this may cause outrage). Meanwhile your team should prepare the rope and handcuffs (the barbed wire is just for fun) and dig a small pit. Wait for your second-in-command’s signal and then launch the attack. The team leader should start screaming: ‘Nietzsche showed you the way! Why have you forsaken him? Logic says nothing about the world!’ (Meaningless phrases to be sure, but to the analytic philosopher they are akin to Arsenic). Bind its limbs. Throw it in the pit. Spit on it. Do other things. Use your imagination. After your comments about truth, the creature may begin to weep openly or gnaw at its bonds (and/or fingers) murmuring: ‘Wittgenstein, Wittgenstein, Wittgenstein...’
The final touches
Skin the creature and remember to have fun. The philosopher will not die quickly; it will (literally) deny the reality of the situation. Tell the creature that had they read Nietzsche properly, they would have had better survival instincts and wouldn’t be in the current existential dilemma of facing imminent death.
Preparation
Chop up, poach, season, serve. Try the tongue (overused and overlarge).
Serves 4-6 Ubermenschen