UCL HAS A great history, with many traditions and a lot of time, there are plenty of engaging rituals you can perform that will help you fit in and feel at home.
If for instance you have a problem, telling it to Jeremy Bentham’s bones is always helpful. Perhaps, hypothetically, she seduced you, swore she was 16 and turns out to be crying ‘Mummy! Mummy! He hurt me in my dirty places!’ to the courts; spend a quick half hour with Jezza, relieve your repressed anger and spermatozoa, and lift the average age of your conquests to a comfortable, mature, and most importantly a legal level. Sorted!
For the more studious amongst you, a favourite occupation of UCL denizens, or ‘Poncy Twats’ (as they are affectionately known) is ‘Doing It’* in the library 24/7. Try it, with or without your mobile phone! It’s got vibrate mode for a reason, you know!
The university mascot is ‘the moustache’, and it is considered irreverent to not make obeisance when one is sighted. A first offence usually incurs a stint organising a night to raise awareness of the lower classes, to include a number greater than one but no more than five hours wearing Burberry. Repeat offenders may be made into Turkey Twizzlers™ for the canteen (vegetarian option available.).
For those among you pining for a spot of foxhunting don’t miss the annual ‘Art Student Routing’. The infestation that has built up over the year is killed off using appropriated methods of devastation in revenge for the destruction wrought by their hive! Recent years have featured crushing by newspaper wrapping and nailing to any nearby bits of wood, before leaving decoratively around the quad to expire in a slow, lingering sort of way.
In the summer months, UCL plays host to a variety of exciting cultural events, such as Accountant Recruitment Day, No Matter What Your Subject You Too Can Be An Accountant, and the biggest spectacle of the summer, Deloitte Owns Your Arse. Gaze as rows of eager, pink cheeked youngsters perform a synchronized trou-dropping display, shuffling round information before the splendid finale of a light branding and a promise of employment for a couple of years.
Don’t just stand here reading about it– jump in! UCL will probably adopt your ideas as traditions in its quest to gain as much, if not more history than Oxbridge, and climb to the top of the Guardian league tables.
[*in this context we think ‘It’ is playing solitaire on your laptop. - Ed]