IN LONDON, OFF the leash, and on the razzle it comes as no surprise that freshers are prone to verbal diarrhoea. Is it desperation to impress? Is it desperation to seduce and shag? Or is it just plain and simple desperation? Either way, we’re sure you’ve heard the following several times already this week…
5) “Everyone is just so friendly, I mean there is no-one nasty here at all.” Just wait until she’s using your tampons, eating your food and stealing your make-up. The IDF will look restrained.
4) “I’ve met my best friends.” Truth be told, you are statistically more likely to hate these people in a year’s time. If you don’t then that means you haven’t changed at all, which is even sadder.
3) “It’s not just a Freshers Fling, he really loves me.” Chances are he’s a third year, experienced and moderately attractive. His ex-girlfriend floats in the background, having been put ‘on a break’ in anticipation of the unbroken hymens he could smell like a hot Christmas dinner. Trust us, by the time you’ve had the customary pregnancy scare, stopped wearing make-up and started looking shit in public, he’ll have moved on ‘before this gets too serious’.
2) “I just can’t believe how diverse UCL is!” Scratch beneath the surface of over 100 nationalities at UCL and you will find a pyrite mixture of the middle class and mundane, laced with a deluded crust of upper class. If it were a car it would be a battered ten year old Mercedes estate, the kind driven by second rate cab drivers and destitute private school mothers.
And the winner – the number one blooper ushered by Freshers at UCL and pretty much everywhere is …
1) “This is the BEST week of my life!” In terms of pleasure the average Freshers week ranks somewhere between doing poppers and having a root canal. How can it be the best week of your life? You don’t even know these people! The best you can hope for is to sail through with a few friends and hope that rash doesn’t itch in a week’s time.