An exciting excerpt from “No Really, Everyone Actually IS Jewish” by Prof. Claude Mc-Nabovitch and Eva von Datz
Bruce Springsteen is modern day America’s only great Catholic icon. From his early days in New Jersey, Springsteen’s lyrics have been infused with Catholic language and symbolism. But all is not as it seems. Our
research into Springsteenology at the University of Connectthedots has led us to a surprising conclusion:
Bruce Springsteen is Jewish.
Bruce ‘Springsteen’ (born Springstein), pursued a modest career as a singer of urban folk tales about blue-collar AmericanJewish life. Signed to Columbia Records and on the cusp of a glittering career, it is here that the all-pervasive hand of the Vatican intervened. Bribing Columbia and the singer with extortionate amounts of Matzos and salt beef, Pope John Paul II persuaded Bruce to change his surname and most of his lyrics. The Pope’s motivation lay behind the apparent crapness of any other suitable Catholics in the media. He even went on record upon his deathbed screaming “Lennon & McCartney? Simon & Garfunkel? Olivia Newton-fucking-John? I had to say one hundred Hail Marys per day, flagellate myself, and then bathe in bleach to eradicate the stain those pussies left upon the RC Church. Stupid bints.”
Our research team found several boxes in the attic of the singer’s Asbury Park home relating to his childhood in New Jersey. The collection included several photographs of the young man attending shule, countless half-eaten bagels and even a grainy but unmistakeable portrait of the young man at his bar mitzvah.
Perhaps the most shocking revelation for most latter-day, diehard “Springsteen” fans, however, is the fact that before enjoying a highly successful soft rock career, Springstein dabbled in the murky waters of the soft porn industry. From the surviving magazines and low-grade Super-8 footage recovered, it wasn’t the notable lack of foreskin that ultimately gave Springstein away - with circumcision quite common for American males - it was the giant Star of David tattooed across his arse.
Early songs such as “Hasidic Heart” became “Hungry Heart”, “Derekh-erets in the Dark” became “Dancing in the Dark”, similarly, “Born in the Yeshiva” turned into “Born in the USA and of course, “You can lem-oshl but you better not tshuve” is more famously known as “You can Look but you better not Touch”.
Sometimes Springstein retained his original song titles but completely changed the content. For example, “The River” was originally written as a Zionistic call for Israeli expansion across the Jordan River, as were “Meeting Across the River” and “The Promised Land”. Interestingly however, “Badlands”- originally released as a double A-side to compliment MC5’s “Kick out the Palestinian Jams”- seems to have slipped beneath the Vatican’s radar.