IT’S NOT EASY moving out, especially not after 33 years of living on the face of some really famous guy. Many find the experience extremely tough and find themselves dealing with it in ways they thought they never would. But, as Malcolm Grant’s ex-moustache has shown, it doesn’t have to be the end of things.
“At first I felt very lonely. At night there was no rhythm of snoring interspersed with the phlegm filled splutters of a middle-aged man. It was just quiet, and very cold.”
M, as he likes to be known, initially turned to the more hedonistic ways of life in order to come to terms with his loss. “I thought I’d seen a lot on Malc’s face, but it turns out there’s much more interesting things in this world. I think I’ve done every massage parlour in North London. I had a tab at Spearmint Rhino, too. But then, I woke up one day and looked in the mirror and I saw what I looked like. Untended, increasingly grey, straggly bits everywhere. I felt like I’d let everyone down, including myself. And I said to myself “no, I’m not going to grow out my days like this”. Since then, I’ve been a changed tache.”
The turnaround couldn’t have happened without a helping bristle or two, though. “I’m in love”, M says, sharing a moment with his new found partner. “I met her in the UCL Shop, on the woman who runs it and gets pissed off if you turn up at the wrong time for an internet connection voucher. But I liked that fight, it’s a sign of virility, you know”.
Since then, M and his partner have travelled the world trying to help other taches with the transition from face to independence. “It was a cause very close to us, having both been recently made homeless, and we wondered how other taches were coping. We were lucky we found each other, but what if others aren’t as lucky as us? It’s hard to cope without any ‘Just For Men’ colouring, you see yourself as who you really are. And sometimes you don’t like that. But, you know, just being there to listen, or giving a little brush can really make a difference to people’s lives. Especially to the muffs, they find it really hard. I’m a little surprised they don’t already have a support network because they’re the highest proportion of skinless hairs around. Women think that once it’s down the drainpipe it’s all over, but it isn’t. And we have to pick up the Veet-coated strands.”
M’s support network isn’t just limited to hairs, though. “A group of us went to New Orleans to help plug the gap in the levees. FEMA [the Federal Emergency Management Agency] was very grateful. But now they seem to have it under control, we’re going to head off to Pakistan to help with the search. Our bristles can be very sensitive so we’ve found that emergency workers are really keen for us to come on board. We’re light, too, so we don’t crush any babies or anything. Ha ha, only joking.”
If you know any hairs who are struggling to come to terms with shaven emancipation, or are yourself trying to deal with it, please contact the Tache Support Network’s 24 hour hairline on 08975 S-K-I-N-L-E-S-S.