Girl finds dignity on side of pavement

FOLLOWING a worrying 10 minutes in which she thought she had lost it forever, Lucy Hutch successful- ly found her dignity floating away in her sick that adorned the side of the pavement on Gordon Street. Lucy’s support network of inebriated, shout- ing girlfriends rallied round as soon as she realised that it had gone miss- ing and together they successfully ex- ploited a group of first year hopefuls by promising to ‘make it up to them’. One of these boys, Justin Bitmore from Naples, luckily stumbled across and fell into Lucy’s regurgitated stomach lining, peppered with sweetcorn and spaghetti hoops. Lucy’s dignity was successfully fished out and returned to her, before she promptly threw it up again on the bus (253) home. Trans- port for London have said they have not found Lucy’s dignity, citing the possibility that it seeped out of the back door when the girls were thrown off the bus. When asked if the current state of leglessness that prevails amongst women in UCL Union was a bad thing for the College’s image, Clubs, Societies & Student Develop- ment Officer Liz Oglesby promptly ignored the question and continued to pull out the bacon bits from her hair. A memento of last night, surely.