Emergency Conversational Topics for Christmas Social Events (for use with relatives, fringe acquaintances, and the Queen)
“So, [insert name], where did you get the idea for such a staggeringly unattractive and unimaginative haircut?”
“Nice to see you haven’t changed the recipe for the cake! Oh, no, wait.. you haven’t changed the cake.”
“Young people today, eh?”
“What we need more of in this country are traditional family values. Traditional Family Values for Traditional Families. Don’t you agree, half-step-uncle?”
“Did anyone watch “Celebrity Temptation to Resume Coke Habit Island”?
“You know, I was thinking just the other day how degrees mean nothing in the real world and one can easily learn everything one requires from hands-on experience!”
“Hey, does anyone else want to play a spirit-crushing board game with mind-numbingly complicated rules that only one branch of the family knows how to play and will take gleeful delight in explaining in ever more complex ways to everyone else, who will end up smiling bemusedly and politely and getting thrashed?”
“As a token of my appreciation this Christmas, I have decided to give you a portion of all I have. Enjoy the debt.”
“Yes, my hair is silly, isn’t it .. I can’t wait till I no long have any and don’t have to worry.”
And if entirely desperate: “You know most murders take place at Christmas, and are committed by someone you know?”