The new examination method is set to take effect immediately, with the current final year students to test it out for the first time. Their task: to successfully establish their own dictatorship in a country of their choice for six months by the time they graduate.
“We thought we’d kill two birds with one stone with this new method. One, it’s a new way for students to really engage with the material we give them, to get into the mind of a dictator and politician, and really synthesize what they’ve learned these past three years. Two, it gets rid of all the sensitive wokies that annoy the shit out of me,” commented Scottie McTominay, lecturer in Foundations of Political Thought.
Already, students are eager to get ahead of the game and are planning their coups in an organised fashion.
It is rumoured that first years are even trying to take over smaller villages, getting some “practice” in before they have to upgrade to a country two years later. Zongli Son Heung Min, a first year student studying Politics and International Relations, has already attempted to overthrow local officials in her hometown of Huntingdon in Cambridgeshire.
“It was quite easy. All you really have to do is pretend you love democracy, violently challenge the election if you lose, and then slowly erode democratic freedoms until you are their lord and saviour. Easy as pi,” said Min when approached by a Cheese Grater journalist.
Others have not been so lucky or “simple” in their attempts to take over an entire governmental faction.
James and the ginger peach, a second year Politics and International Relations student, was tragically killed in the line of duty after attempting to establish a dictatorship via a military coup.
In odd English fashion, he was reported to have gone out drinking “an ungodly amount of beer” and accidentally lit himself on fire after trying to down a pint of Madri and light a cigarette at the same time.
What might be even more tragic is that his military coup would have been successful if he just didn’t die, as his forces overwhelmed the small local government he was trying to overthrow just moments after he combusted.
Witnesses of the incident reported believing in divine intervention after their victory, seeing a “bright flash of yellow light emanate from the top of the battlefield hill.” Their faith dimmed considerably after they realized it was just a man on fire, and no efforts were made to help put James out before he burned to ash.
In solidarity with his ginger comrade, Dobert Relaney scooped up James’ ashes and placed them in an urn with the phrase “RIP Ed Sheeran” engraved on the lid. He has been seen carrying the urn around campus in solemn reverence to his departed friend.
“Casualties are expected when you task students with establishing a dictatorship,” said Jeremy Bentham’s corpse from within his glass box. “But you gotta look at the bigger picture. Firstly, the ones who can actually fulfill their dictatorial aspirations will be the strongest and fittest in our society, the ones who fail are the weakest. It’s just natural selection at this point. Two, it will lower our pass rate by a lot, and no one likes universities where all their students pass, that’s just stupid. Third, and most importantly, the souls who die in their efforts will be trapped in the UCL Student Centre forever, meaning I’ll have more friends! It’s getting lonely in my glass box…”
Jeremy doesn’t have to wait long for his friends to arrive, as as many as six to seven people have been reported dead in their vie for power. The seventh potential ghost is “missing in action” (no one can find their body).
A list of successful and unsuccessful graduate candidates have been compiled for your viewing pleasure.
Successful Dictators for LYFEEEEEEE:
Kimberly Hwang Hee Chan (successfully took over Singapore and mandated that everyone has bagels every morning)
Erdinc Ilkay Gundogan (successfully took over Türkiye and mandated that everyone watch TikTok livestreams during Foundations of Political Thought lectures)
Zongli Son Heung Min (successfully took over Cambridgeshire and made the city anthem a random k-pop song)
Jeremy’s friends in the afterlife:
James and the ginger peach (said to exclusively haunt gingers)
Sadie Christian Pulisic (seen waving around American flags and yelling “yeee-hawwwww”)
Sara Frenkie De Jong and Sid Yassine Bonou (swear on their lives they aren’t American and just have an international school accent [they’re already dead…])
Matei Luka Modric (known for ramblings on his fascination with the American west)
Jae Ann Cho Gue Sung (asks Asian students to pick up coconut shavings, brown sugar, and fish sauce from Tian Tian for her)
Our missing seventh friend:
Mariya Jose Mourinho (missing in Kazakhstan, rumors of her presence in the Student Centre as reports of being insulted in “sarcastic Russian” number in the hundreds)
