Last Friday morning, Robin M. Sachs Jr, a first year economics student, was mauled to death by his peers after attending a lecture in the incorrect attire.
Eye witnesses reported a scene where, upon entering the LG04 lecture hall beneath the IOE, an array of gasps were let out from fellow Economics students at Robin’s garment choice. They then began lunging at him, wielding an array of weapons, primarily a range of UCL branded metal water bottles, lanyards, and MacBook Pros.
Initial investigations point to the motive being the lack of a quarter zip on Robin. Seemingly, Robin’s navy blue jumper which feature a Ralph Lauren logo, elements which are both on the uniform checklist that is been handed out to the Economics students during their induction week, was not enough for his coursemates to spare him.
Since their creation in the mid-20th Century by American tailor Carter Zipper, quarter zip sweaters have been a staple amongst both students and practitioners in the financial sector. As a result, it should be no surprise that a student who fails to wear one may become victim to the much too common outfit-induced academic mob violence, joining the English student who was killed last year for failing to wear a scarf and the Computer Science student the year prior who was put to death after wearing clean clothes to a seminar.
Earlier today we spoke to a pair of witnesses, Ana and Rachel, the only two women in this year’s Economics cohort of 4273 students. They detailed the harrowing scenes of Robin’s death. They claimed his last words were: “DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS? HE WILL BE HEARING ABOUT THIS!”, likely a reference to Robin M. Sachs Sr., an executive at Blackrock who formerly held positions in asset management firms such as Lehmann Brothers and J.Epstein and Co.
The two women told us about their interactions with Robin Jr., which involved him asking for their LinkedIn at Ministry of Sound during freshers, followed by a humble brag regarding the many tens of pounds he had made from reselling Scala tickets on the Hiking Society group chat.
These heartwarming memories, however, were cut short as the witnesses had to make their way to their 3pm lecture, which had experienced a room change to lecture hall 104 at the University of Aberdeen.
In a statement released by Robin’s family, they announced they would not be pressing charges, as his father declared, “sometimes market forces act in unsavoury ways, what’s important now is to see how we, as a family, can turn this into yet another opportunity to maximise shareholder value”.
His obituary, which was released this morning in the Wall Street Journal, reminisced about his younger years in the humble London neighbourhood of South Kensington, along with many struggles throughout his 19 years of life (the last of which occurred primarily in Thailand), most notably when the family Range Rover was stolen during an outing outside of zone 1.
A following statement was also released by UCL’s President and Provost Michael Spence, who lamented the student body’s inability to “disagree well” on this occasion, although he did later admit it helps marginally with the first year accommodation shortage, “as an ensuite at Garden Halls is now up for grabs.”
