The Cheese Grater Magazine Society has been banned from all TeamUCL activities after its editorial team “made a mockery” of the charity swimming event.
Upon realising that the Union website allowed you to pledge to swim as many lengths as you want, members of the editorial committee put in 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 “as a joke”.
However, they were horrified when they were informed that they would in fact be expected to complete all 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 laps, a task that would take approximately 400 times longer than the death of the sun.
The team showed up 20 minutes late to the swimathon, which was being held in support of the mental health charity Mind, as their bi-monthly pub crawl social had run slightly over.
One team member decided not to show up upon realising that the event was being held at the London Aquatics Centre, near UCL East. They subsequently decided that making the trek out to Stratford for charity was “not worth it”.
This raised the average number of laps that The Cheese Grater’s team needed to complete from a modest 200,000,000,000,000,000 to a lofty 250,000,000,000,000,000.
Additionally, Cheese Grater editors signed up to swim in the pool’s fast lane despite none of them knowing how to swim beyond a basic doggy paddle. As such, in the chaos of the first lap, one of the editors began to drown, causing the entire pool to be evacuated as lifeguards tried to revive them.
After this incident, the rest of the team left for the pub, leaving one person behind to complete the remaining 999,999,999,999,999,999 laps,
On behalf of The Cheese Grater I would like to extend my deepest apologies for our inappropriate behaviour and politely request that the Students’ Union reconsider their ban for next year’s charity fun run.
