Ben Scanlan Sketch Director
To whom this may concern,
Hi, my name is Jingles, and I’m a proud member of the psychotic homicidal clown community. Today is Halloween, a day that every year sees our community mocked, ridiculed, and belittled.
The streets become awash with guffawing non-psychotic, non-homicidal, non-clowns who can think of nothing more hilarious than donning a crappy clown jumpsuit, offensive red wig, and plastic axe purchased from Amazon for the princely sum of £23.99 (not including shipping). Don’t even get me started on the egregious clown-face these costumes include. It’s time we as killer clowns said enough is enough and called out this behaviour for what it is. Good old-fashioned homicidal-clown-phobia.
This yearly tradition of insulting our already marginalised community has to stop. I wonder if any of these costume-wearers have ever experienced the kids at school constantly asking if they knew the Joker (yes) or Pennywise (also yes)? I wonder if any of these costume-wearers have ever experienced the playground insults about having stabbing knives instead of pens in their pencil cases? I wonder if any of these people ever experienced the embarrassment of being dropped outside the school gates in their parents’ tiny evil clown car (it’s like a normal tiny clown car but it is evil because it kills people)?
I am proud of being a killer clown! I am proud of my aunty’s delicious poisoned candyfloss! I bet these people have never experienced the beautiful tradition of murdering a bunch of teenagers inside a haunted fairground!
Why do these people insist on dressing up as killer clowns anyway? Aren’t there enough other things to dress up as this Halloween? Why not a sexy Wes Streeting, or Brighton and Hove Albion’s stellar left winger Kaoru Mitoma? What about the Hawk Tuah girl? Have you seen that video? It’s so funny haha. Hawk Tuah, spit on that thang! Haha. Her name is Hailey Welch. She has her own podcast now too. I should start a podcast.
Um anyway, basically please don’t dress up as a killer clown or something idk.
Yours sincerely,
Jingles the Killer Clown
