After months of silently judg- ing Covid-bleak Twitter threads about stocking up on bleach, Soc Bitch is back to cast that judging eye to all you UCL younglings. The September wind blows, and baby- faced freshers stream into London to pay the best part of ten grand for on- line lectures, googling how much an Open University course costs, and crying into their face masks. The evil hag, whose name is Corona, contin- ues to suck the joy from our lives; she even made Soc Bitch cancel her annual Karen’s Gone Wild boat par- ty, but after conferring with Bojo, Corona has agreed to only come to pubs after 10pm. And so it was, freshers week, with all the drunk hook-ups and hangovers, is being replaced with lone- some Zoom calls and early nights. But worry not, here at The Cheese Grater we have put our experts on the case to digitise all the freshers fun and frolics. Whether or not Men’s Rugby will re- turn in February is hanging in the pan- demic balance, but nowhere in the gov- ernment guidelines do they mention that the torture of terrified underlings is not an essential activity? There will be an initiation, and someone will force a fresher to eat a bat. Not only will it be tasteless and surprisingly tasty, but everyone will find it a lot more ‘fucking hilarious’ than it actually is and some poor cunt will spend the rest of his de- gree being called ‘Batty Lad’ by his in- tellectual equals.
Soc Bitch’s secret sources spilt the tea on shocking corruption in Climate Ac- tion Society. Following their Sustain- ability Symposium last year, the ample funds raised went straight to the UN’s even more ample pockets. And as some of you nerds out there have already re- alised, the SU was never going to ap- prove that – not that the wet wipes at Climate Action Soc thought to consult them. Scandal ensues, when it comes to light that a certain Chairperson, who certainly was behind this, has her eyes on a career at – you guessed it - the UN. And unsurprisingly, the prudes at the Union don’t condone bribery. In one fell swoop, Climate Action Soc is suspended, said Chairperson steps down, and Greta Thunberg shakes her head as she descends into the Atlantic Ocean on a melting iceberg. On a sepa- rate note, The Cheese Grater Maga- zine are accepting charitable donations which may or may not go to Soc Bitch’s wine fund.