What [th] fuck?

STUDENTS USING newer computer clusters around UCL will have noticed a ‘funky’ new addition to their computer desktop. The square panel that sits in the top right-hand corner of your screen is called You[th]Wire and dispenses patronising gobbets of wisdom such as: “fags stain your teeth yellow”, and unprotected sex can lead to chlamydia. Alternating slides reminding us “breathe in, breathe out” are presumably in the pipeline.

You[th] Media are the suppliers of this “Desktop Communication Solution”, a company specialising in marketing big business to bewildered students. Annoying gimmicks seem to be You[th] Media’s area of expertise. Their other services include printing 8,650 mouse mats for Aldi, and making some nice posters for JP Morgan. You[th] Media’s website boasts that their DCL has around a 1.5% click through rate. However, presumably this doesn’t factor in the infuriated students who, given the lack of an accessible menu, might be clicking in the hope of finding a “shut up and fuck off” button.

These adverts generate income for UCL, however, while reminding students eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day might be a noble cause, adverts for Lynx and Burton are an unwelcome distraction when you’re trying to work.

Well fear not - The Cheese Grater can help. Pressing ‘Ctrl+Alt+Delete’ will bring up the computer task manager. Click on the Processes tab, and find YWPlatform.exe. Highlight it, and press the ‘End Process’ button. Ignore the warning about the computer exploding - it won’t. Now you can continue working, safe in the knowledge that, although staring at a computer screen for too long might be hard on the eyes, at least it won’t make you dress like Ashley Cole.