“’Thou seyest nat sooth,’ quod he, ‘thou sorceresse, With all they false goost of prophesye!’”
CASSANDRA, the loveliest of Priam’s daughters, prophesised the destruction of Troy by the Achaean army in Greek mythology. Cursed by Apollo, her prophecies were ignored and the city fell. In 2007, Mister Chatterbox has made similar dire predictions of potential destruction and devastation to be inflicted upon a modern-day Troy, the University of London, by a modern day giftbearing Greek. Whilst Pi Squared is too busy playing Pravda to the Provost’s grotesque Stalin (well, he has the same moustache and similar moral quandaries on the arms industry), Grant’s spoilt behaviour of late has gone unnoticed.
When recently speaking to a senior official of the University, Mister Chatterbox was told: “Say what you like about Malcolm, but he does provide you with good copy.” And yes, it is sadly true; our perma-tanned Provost’s actions do, with the predictability of a boomerang laden with explosions, always come back to blow up in his moustache.
For our dear leader Malcolm Grant, the Kim Yung-Il of Gower Street, has recently been at the centre of yet more controversy after he resigned from the Constitutional Review Working Group. The group, a subcommittee of the Head of Colleges, was looking at a radical new constitution for the University of London. As news of this trickled around the University last month, senior members of staff expressed their frustration and irritation, but not surprise, at Malcolm Grant’s provocative move.
There had certainly been some surprise for the working group, mainly at how effectively the review was going; in a short period of time the members – all senior members of colleges, institutes and lay members - had formulated new statutes for the University, while reshaping and streamlining the governance. Generally Professor Grant’s position had been seen by fellow committee members as one of “productive opposition”, and most of the committee knew of his long-term devious intentions - he was recently heard saying he wished to “get out and take my share of the equity” - but for the most part the process was seen as favouring the kind of federation of colleges he claims he wants to see in the short-term.
Now the Provost’s tactics on the committee have been questioned: “Malcolm can be very frustrating. He picks up on people’s insecurities and uses them to win an argument,” said one member of the group.
Senior members of the working group have admitted that the Provost’s way of arguing does have a tendency to rub people up the wrong way: “He makes the same point again and again and again and again. He’s like a stuck record.” said one committee mole. One point on which the Provost had consistently made his opinion felt (again and again and again and again presumably) was that there should not in future be a Vice-Chancellor of the University, but that the role should be undertaken by a Chief Executive figure who would not speak for the University on academic matof one here,” said a very senior academic, who stressed that the smaller colleges and institutes needed a Vice-Chancellor to represent them in the academic world, “His position was well known.” When it became clear that he was not going to persuade his fellow members on this issue at the most recent meeting of the working group, he sent an email to Sir Graeme Davies, the Vice-Chancellor, announcing his resignation.
This move comes amid rising institutional tensions that, some say, are heightened by dramatic actions by our Provost. Allies of Sir Graeme insist that being an excellent diplomat and formidable operator, he was not given to personal rancour, although they have admitted that he “probably” was irritated by the Provost’s stance and tactics. This follows a (one suspects apocryphal) story circulating the University of London that Professor Grant recently bought a set of golf clubs for Sir Graeme with the advice that he “uses them more often.”
Extraordinarily there was some discussion of inviting Professor Grant back onto the working group, but the offer was not extended as members were uncertain as to how this generous olive branch would be taken. Amongst certain members of the committee there was a feeling that he had his reasons and that he had burned his bridges. One academic told Mister Chatterbox that his feeling was that Professor Grant had made the move to free his hand so he did not have to publicly take on the onus of defending the new package of proposal under “collective responsibility”. He also stated that the argument was essentially a small one over a name change. It is this fact that has angered many of Malcolm’s peers and fellow committee members.
Lighten up
“The trouble with Malcolm is that he likes to see his name in lights,” Said one senior lecturer in the University, commenting on the shocking news, “He likes to shave his moustache off and write articles for The Guardian but he doesn’t always like the nitty-gritty detail of his job… Having Malcolm on your side in an argument is great. But when he argues against you, you can case better.” A bit of a diva then. Or as one foul-mouthed final year History student commented when he heard the news: “What a wanker!”
The University of London provided a statesmanlike take on the row, commenting, “The work of the Constitutional Review Working Group in determining the strategic direction of travel for the University of London is now near completion, and the Provost, Malcolm Grant has had an invaluable input into this decision-making process over the past year.”
Meanwhile Mister Chatterbox contacted University College’s Media team with an offer for Professor Grant to defend himself against charges of his perceived petulance by his peers. He was asked why he resigned from support the recommendations of the working group, which he sat on, in full. Strangely for a Provost who is usually so fond of responding to media inquiries, he did not care to respond. Perhaps we should have offered to put the poor man’s name in lights.
And so, once again, the University of London is left unsure of what UCL is doing; as is, to be fair, most of the college. A few years ago University College earned the nickname “Jaws” for its predatory habit of snapping up smaller fish in the pond. Now those fish are wondering what the great white predator is up to this time. And just when they thought it was safe to go back in the water...