One thing Soc Bitch has learned in my decade-plus career in gossiping is that Varsity season can mean one thing and one thing only: Rugby Boys are back on the bitchy menu.
But first, my lovelies, I wanted to address the allegations against me. Some of you will know I had a slight mishap earlier this month, and I want to say sorry for letting you all down.
My return was indefinitely postponed, but after my editorial overseers heard what I’m about to share with you, they just couldn’t resist letting me run free.
This insatiable gossip must be heard by the Varsity-attending masses as it concerns the well-being of sporting’s kindest and most polite spirits…
A reliable sub-bitch told me that the rugby boys have been forced by their evil captain into a booze ban prior to the big Varsity match. How cruel! How awful! Whatever shall the poor rugger-loving strongmen do without their pints of piss!
The ban came into effect on 13 March, and I can’t bear to think of how much money the local pubs have lost on Wednesday nights without the rugby team drinking them dry. The economy is even suffering from this oppressive ban!
But this isn’t the end of it… I’ve been told by another reliable bitchlet that a shag ban has also been put in place! The horror! Abstinence for the sake of Varsity is commitment of the highest order – is there a TeamUCL version of the Victoria Cross for services to sporting excellence? If anyone deserves such an award, it’s the valiant, hunky, strong, luscious, irresistible rugby boys!
I’m signing off here, but I hope that the suffering of rugby boys and local pubs alike is not in vain, and that the hunky boys in purple bring it home xxx
