What the Upcoming Mercury Retrograde Means for You
This article appeared in CG issue 83.
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Clearing the air.
To: cheesegrater_editor@ucl.ac.uk From: daddysemail@ucl.ac.uk (date: 26/9/2022, time: 02:32am) Subject: Disgust, Disappointment and Departure Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing in order to air my grievances with, and offer justification for my departure from, the Cheese Grater Magazine. Let me begin by recounting my first experience with the Society’s meagre facilities: The so-called media office from which
5 Study Spaces UCL don’t want YOU to know about
Have you ever reached the Student Centre at the crack of dawn only to be met with the grim realisation that those damned post-grad all-nighter workaholics have taken all the spaces? Getting a place in the library is easy as long as you bring a bottle to piss in while you wait, and camp on
The Cost of Living Crisis: The Cheese Grater View
Holly Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or in a developed country, you will have heard all about the catastrophe haunting the UK at the moment. Don’t worry, the Queen hasn’t resurrected in her lizard form; I’m talking about the cost of living crisis. It’s like the 70s coming back without the fun flares
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The Cheese Grater At Risk Of Closure
Following SUUCL’s much maligned decision to cut all funding to The Cheese Grater this term, editors, contributors, readers and clairvoyants have condemned the move, claiming that it represents a grave threat to freedom of speech not just at UCL, but also in the wider western world. Responding to these developments, Larry Venal, current editor of
“Regal Carpet” Review
Not quite a “Crapet” but certainly quite crap in some respects I found this carpet quite sturdy and it almost fully supports me, but I’m still not entirely convinced. It says “flammable” on the tin, but I’m not really sure how to take advantage of this, and the instructions are quite unhelpful. Furthermore, the carpet
A.A. Gill, Back From The Dead, Comes To UCL
Venue: Digital Engagement in Archaeology: Strategies and Evaluation Methods Conference, South Cloisters Price: Free Set in UCL’s resplendent south cloisters, this conference promised much in the way of classical cuisine, writes A.A. Gill. Always generous with their platters, the Archaeology department really stepped up to the plate here, massively overestimating the number of attendees thus
Theresa May’s Diary Leaked To Press
The Cheese Grater is proud to reveal a few of the most tantalising titbits from PM Theresa May’s personal diary. These excerpts provide an invaluable window in to the mind of our beloved Prime Minister in the early stages of her time in office. March 18th 2017 Brexit deal with the Donald trump went up in appeal,
What Is UCL’s Favourite Spoon?
The Cheese Grater held an exclusive interview with UCL provost Michael Arthur to put an end to the ceaseless debates and bitter arguments over the question on everyone’s lips: What is UCL’s favourite spoon? Michael J.P. Arthur: Well, UCL’s favourite spoon is a prestigious spoon. Our spoon of choice is the 7th best spoon in the
A Quick Catch Up With Ed Miliband
Ten minutes after I arrive at the hotel room I hear a knock at the door. “Come in.” Miliband walks through the door and sits across from me. “Hola, my friend.” He says, tilting his oversized sombrero at me. “So, Ed… Can I call you Ed?” “Call me whatever you like, amigo. Just don’t call
Casanovas’ Corner: We Give You Our Secrets To Sex
Every man dreams of being the best she’s ever had, and as it’s the season of giving, it’s time you got the inside scoop. We’ve scoured the internet, spoken to the experts and put the advice to the test to give you our favourite four secrets to become a master of seduction in and out
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This One Stupid Thing Will Ruin The Cruciform For You Forever
The architect Alfred Waterhouse is known for beautiful Gothic buildings; the Natural History Museum, Balliol College in Oxford, and our very own Cruciform Building, by far the prettiest bit of the UCL campus. Just look at that symmetry, those four perfect wings; the contrast of colours. Imagine this, looming over 1900s London; an epoch of
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The Secret To Success: The Three Rules Of Studying
Professor Barbara Tresemmé is an internationally renowned expert in education, claiming diplomas from various universities. She has agreed to share with the students of this school her valuable advice on maximising ones potential when it comes to revision – something she dubs ‘examination magic.’ Hi guys. I’m not going to pretend that compressing the depth
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Uber’s London Licence Extended Indefinitely
The Cheese Grater can reveal that the termination of Uber’s operating licence in the capital will be repealed yet again as talks between the taxi hire company and Transport for London resume. Having already postponed the contract end-date, this extension to the extension of the pause in Uber’s suspension is suspected by commentators to be
Fresher Wonders Why No One Will Talk To Him As Social Grace Period Ends
“It all changed when I got back from the Christmas holidays” said Marcus Wilson. “People who would have previously nodded politely at my fictional boasts of sexual adventures and endless stories about other people now seem to find the most benign item fascinating whenever they are near me. The best I can hope for is a
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Which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah And District Of Serbia Is Your University?
Let’s be honest, it was only a matter of time. Now I know, I know: the old ‘which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah and district of Serbia is your university?’ joke is an old one. But we here at the Cheese Grater we thought we’d properly put it to bed! So crack open your Behesht-e Zahra, pour
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What your course looks like, according to everyone else
You’d think that categorising students by their subject would be an obvious attempt to rely on tired old tropes in a desperate plea to get people to click on this article. You’d be wrong. It’s actually as easy to categorise students by their subjects as it is to determine their sexuality from their hair colour.
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Nostalgia, Actually
This year, prepare yourselves for the film so English it’s probably racist: Love Actually 2. Richard Curtis’ beloved romcom returns with a sobering reminder of the inevitable impacts of ageing, as Hugh Grant emerges from his bachelor cave looking like an expensive vase that’s been dropped and PVA glued back together. Finally, you can have
Vegetarian eats Mexican man in “tragic misunderstanding”
Mexican Mondays/ Meat-Free Mondays Mix-Up The Cheese Grater can reveal shocking developments surrounding the death of UCL student, Carlos Gonzalez. Mr Gonzalez, a first-year student History student was found bloodied and half-eaten in the Print Room dropbox containing copies of The Cheese Grater magazine. “It’s lucky we ever found his body at all,” said lead
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That controversial David Cameron speech in full
The former man visited Eton College on the last day of term. “Thank you, thank you. It seems like only yesterday I myself was leaving this fine school, ready to be thrust out into that wide, wide world. I am glad to say Eton College gave me the best education a boy could ask for.
Wow! This guy’s predictions from 100 years ago will blow your mind!
Claire Voyant takes a look at Roy O’Sullivan’s playful predictions of yesteryear. One hundred years ago this month, The Cheese Grater published a column by journalist Roy O’Sullivan entitled ‘The World of Tomorrow: Twenty Predictions for the Year 2017’. In this very special issue, we take a look at some of those predictions in light
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Wow! One magic trick and your locker is protected forever!
Magick Spelles for Everyday Life: Spelle Foure – Protecting Yowre Lockere Of alle the mystick artes, it is the Charmes of Protection that requyre the moste commitment. To simplie want to protecte youre locker is notte enough: yow muste neede to protecte it. I cannotte advise that this charme is attempted by fledgling MAGICKMAKERS. Onlie
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“Condiments of the Stars” – This week, Jeremy Corbyn’s Favourite Jams!
My favourite jams – by Jeremy Corbyn Hello everybody. If there’s one thing we can agree on it is that 2016 was a wonderful year for jam. I personally succeeded in making 12 jams, and if you can email me pictures of the jam you made that would be great. Here is a list of
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A very patriotic Valentine’s Day to you all
President Donald Trump’s latest executive order has declared February 14th as National Patriotic 10s Day. “To make America great again, America must celebrate the best of what makes America great: 10s; beautiful women. Tremendous,” the written order states. The executive order will “revitalise the American economy” by decreasing seasonal imports on foreign Chinese goods, such
Donald Trump Inauguration Speech “Plagiarised Hussein”
Speech borrows heavily from former Iraqi President, critics claim President Donald Trump has been caught red-handed in his inauguration speech. The 16-minute address, delivered to a crowd of, quite literally, some people on the 20th January, appears to have lifted a number of lines verbatim from Saddam Hussein’s 2003 speech to the Kuwaiti people. Speaking
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A Forbidden Lust: An Ode to Ivanka
Now that that whole “election” thing is over, former businessman Donald Trump can relax and enjoy his favourite past-time: writing poetry. When I see you, I see half of me And I’m attracted to that one half, my half. Okay, so I only want to date half of you, But I would date no halves
This man’s reaction to getting pranked was absolutely priceless!
When local man Nick Fields was pranked on Saturday, his reaction was just utterly priceless. Paul O’Hara, the prankster in question, did not expect such a priceless reaction. “When I pranked him, I just didn’t expect him to react in that way. Utterly priceless!” Even Fields himself wasn’t sure what was to ensue: “I think
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SAVAGE, UCLU’s Premier Arts and Culture Journal, Interviews Ed Balls
Always at the vanguard of the London culture scene, UCLU’s arts journal “SAVAGE” presents an exclusive interview with dancing sensation Ed Balls. I arrive at Former Chancellor Ed Balls’ dressing room in the gilded halls of the BBC, my heart racing with giddy delight. Could it be true that I, William, a mere reporter for
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