Interviewer: Jordan, there have been a few tears obviously, but how do you sum it up in the end?

Jordan: [less intelligibly than suggested here] It was an experience for us, and the one we wanted to win…and sometimes it might be it could go one or t’other way, and we went ahead too early, it was a great finish but I tripped, nothing better than getting an early goal and we needed that next goal, I think, to kill off the tie and that would, but – we – we had some good chances but never put them away and I feel like – like if we got that goal in the half time or first bit of the second half we might have that opportunity to win the game, and…

Cut to studio.

Susan: So Germaine, let’s really try to break down what Jordan seems to be saying here.

Germaine: Yes, Susan, let’s. So from what I can gather, more or less, it seems to be the case that if England had managed to get another goal, that might have helped them win the game.

Susan: Yes, yes, Germaine, I’m getting that impression too. Jordan seems to be a little worked up after the game, a bit hot-headed, and he’s not really expressing himself very clearly, is he?

Germaine: Mm, and I think it may be fair to say that that lack of communication is what really got the team in the end. Men do, after all, have a tendency to let their large, flailing bodies get the better of them, and really lose sight of the nuance of the game.

Susan: Men are from Mars, amirite Germaine?

Germaine: Right you are, Susan! I think a little more sensitivity to their surroundings would really have helped turn the tide for the little lads. But anyway, let’s hear from Harry Kane!

Post-match.

Interviewer: Harry, incredibly tough night for all of you, can you put your emotions into words?

Harry: Yeah of course, gutted. Um, we worked so hard, it’s been such a good campaign for us so far…er, we wanted to go all the way, and we thought we was good enough to go all the way…it just wasn’t our night tonight.

Germaine: Harry Kane, COMPLETELY hysterical there!

Susan: Yeah, you can barely make sense of him, poor guy. You know, I do sometimes think that when men speak…so deep, you know?

Germaine: Yes, yes.

Susan: It’s a bit hard to take them seriously isn’t it? Just like ‘blahh, blah blahhh’

Germaine and Susan grunt in low, mocking tones.

Germaine: [chuckling] Ah Susan, have you been drinking male tears again?

Susan: I have Germaine, for breakfast!

Germaine: [both laughing genially] Ah gals, we’re just kidding. We actually think it’s adorable. Anyway, let’s hear from that silver fox, Gary Lineker…

This appeared in CG 65.