Humour ArticlesHumour Articleshttp://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012-03-26T15:40:24ZSquarespaceGrey Dawnhttp://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012/3/24/grey-dawn.htmlCheese Grater Magazine2012-03-24T17:59:54Z2012-03-24T17:59:54ZThe Cheese Grater intercepts Malcolm Grant’s outgoing mail - Dear Channel Five, below is an idea for a TV show I think you should seriously consider producing. I’ve been working on it for years now and it really could be the next big series to hit our screens...]]>Thank You & Goodbyehttp://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012/3/23/thank-you-goodbye.htmlCheese Grater Magazine2012-03-23T04:02:42Z2012-03-23T04:02:42ZThe Cheese Grater is to close after 168 years of existence - the controversial magazine upset readers with ruthless journalistic practice such as waterboarding election candidates and paying the College Chaplain for information, but the final straw was the constant debilitating legal threat that followed more than a century of clear libel. The magazine has been described by UCL Union as an “uninsurable risk”, and as “fucking disgusting” and “too self-referential” by others.]]>From The Desk Of Shergar Holmeshttp://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012/3/23/from-the-desk-of-shergar-holmes.htmlCheese Grater Magazine2012-03-23T03:56:34Z2012-03-23T03:56:34Z3rd August 1951 - I place my empty tumbler down on the worn leather, knowing that within moments it will be refilled when I go and refill it. Nothing greases the cogs of the investigative mind better than slamming another Jim Beam and taking a drag on a big cigarette. Some people call them cigars...]]>Okay! Computer?http://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012/3/23/okay-computer.htmlCheese Grater Magazine2012-03-23T03:51:37Z2012-03-23T03:51:37ZIs the ‘digital age’ a good thing? Or is it actually a bad thing? - We are living in a ‘digital age’. It is now virtually impossible to go about one’s day without running into ‘digital technology’ in one form or another. In 21st century Britain, you can find personal computers everywhere: offices, schools, libraries… you name it...]]>Popularity Contest Won By More Popular Personhttp://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012/3/23/popularity-contest-won-by-more-popular-person.htmlCheese Grater Magazine2012-03-23T03:45:07Z2012-03-23T03:45:07ZStudent body shrugs and apologises saying “bad luck, mate I assumed you had it in the bag” - Nearly 30 students who were selfishly concerned with the results of a recent popularity contest have felt slightly miffed after their close friend and now useless ally lost...]]>A Womb With A Viewhttp://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012/3/23/a-womb-with-a-view.htmlCheese Grater Magazine2012-03-23T03:40:13Z2012-03-23T03:40:13ZIt reads like a bad horror story: a pregnant woman driven to stealing a three-course meal at The Ivy… by the very foetus growing inside her! Val Doyle experienced intense cravings for “a slap-up meal at one of London’s top restaurants” which, according to Dr Hannah Young, were the result of “pre-natal manipulation”...]]>A Comparative Study Of The University Experiencehttp://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012/3/23/a-comparative-study-of-the-university-experience.htmlCheese Grater Magazine2012-03-23T03:33:10Z2012-03-23T03:33:10ZUCL is London’s leading university. We have a strong tradition of teaching Arts and Humantities, cutting edge scientific research and a vibrant student community drawn from all over the world. The question is: how do we ascend, to become a truly ‘global’, first-class institution?
Firstly, if UCL is ever going to properly compare with the likes of Harvard and Yale, then waiting 45 minutes for a computer in the Science Library isn’t going to cut it. But, why are we forced to wait for so long? It’s because of all the ugly women. They clog up resources with their ugly features and their crap clothes. They should dress properly, like Jackie Onassis or Nigella Lawson...]]>Recipe Cornerhttp://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012/2/2/recipe-corner.htmlCheese Grater Magazine2012-02-02T14:43:47Z2012-02-02T14:43:47ZHealthy, wholesome and necessary alternatives to Pie
Margaret Thatcher Milkshake, John Major's Cheese On Toast, Kim Jong-Filberts, Sylvia Platter, Salmon Rushdie and The Hunter S. Thompson.]]>Delia Smith Lays An Egghttp://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012/2/2/delia-smith-lays-an-egg.htmlCheese Grater Magazine2012-02-02T09:04:45Z2012-02-02T09:04:45ZAn interesting event!
1. Delia Smith approaches the nest with hesitant steps, finally entering. There she sits quietly for a long time, often for half an hour or more. She closes an eye or calmly places straw on her back, steadily becoming more excited. Now and then, Delia Smith raises her tail and spreads the feathers on her bottom. These movements gradually become more regular.
2. Under her tail is a small opening - a horizontal slit about an inch wide. It is surrounded by a ribbed rim, arrayed with skin and feathers. This is called the vent.
3. Suddenly Delia Smith stands upright, her feet spread apart, tail raised, bottom-feathers splayed outwards and upright. As her vent opens slightly, a red membrane begins to emerge...]]>Film Review: The Spinning Hannierhttp://cheesegratermagazine.org/humour/2012/2/2/film-review-the-spinning-hannier.htmlCheese Grater Magazine2012-02-02T08:48:35Z2012-02-02T08:48:35ZThe latest film from the reclusive American auteur Brucie Hoops - The Spinning Hannier opens with complete blackness. After an uncomfortable length of darkness, the camera begins to pull out first showing us a zip, then a pencil case, then the pencil case on a desk, then a person sitting at the desk with the pencil case on it, then the roof of the building, then the street, then the city, then the earth, then the galaxy until all we are left with is a point of light in the middle of the vast, empty universe. We cut immediately to a woman falling out a window screaming “Aaaarrrrghhh! The Spinning Hannier got me!” and the opening credits roll.
This sequence takes twenty minutes and indeed the length of the film could deter someone not familiar with Hoops’s work. At 482 minutes, above the average length of the working day in the United Kingdom, it could not be said that it was a short film. However, this is relatively spritely compared to Hoops’s last work Mr Malcolm’s Small Problem in a Big Well which lasted six days and consisted only of various photographs of wells accompanied by the drone of a lone tuba. The length is not a problem...]]>
The Cheese Grater intercepts Malcolm Grant’s outgoing mail - Dear Channel Five, below is an idea for a TV show I think you should seriously consider producing. I’ve been working on it for years now and it really could be the next big series to hit our screens...]]>
The Cheese Grater is to close after 168 years of existence - the controversial magazine upset readers with ruthless journalistic practice such as waterboarding election candidates and paying the College Chaplain for information, but the final straw was the constant debilitating legal threat that followed more than a century of clear libel. The magazine has been described by UCL Union as an “uninsurable risk”, and as “fucking disgusting” and “too self-referential” by others.]]>
3rd August 1951 - I place my empty tumbler down on the worn leather, knowing that within moments it will be refilled when I go and refill it. Nothing greases the cogs of the investigative mind better than slamming another Jim Beam and taking a drag on a big cigarette. Some people call them cigars...]]>
Is the ‘digital age’ a good thing? Or is it actually a bad thing? - We are living in a ‘digital age’. It is now virtually impossible to go about one’s day without running into ‘digital technology’ in one form or another. In 21st century Britain, you can find personal computers everywhere: offices, schools, libraries… you name it...]]>
Student body shrugs and apologises saying “bad luck, mate I assumed you had it in the bag” - Nearly 30 students who were selfishly concerned with the results of a recent popularity contest have felt slightly miffed after their close friend and now useless ally lost...]]>
It reads like a bad horror story: a pregnant woman driven to stealing a three-course meal at The Ivy… by the very foetus growing inside her! Val Doyle experienced intense cravings for “a slap-up meal at one of London’s top restaurants” which, according to Dr Hannah Young, were the result of “pre-natal manipulation”...]]>
UCL is London’s leading university. We have a strong tradition of teaching Arts and Humantities, cutting edge scientific research and a vibrant student community drawn from all over the world. The question is: how do we ascend, to become a truly ‘global’, first-class institution?
Firstly, if UCL is ever going to properly compare with the likes of Harvard and Yale, then waiting 45 minutes for a computer in the Science Library isn’t going to cut it. But, why are we forced to wait for so long? It’s because of all the ugly women. They clog up resources with their ugly features and their crap clothes. They should dress properly, like Jackie Onassis or Nigella Lawson...]]>
Healthy, wholesome and necessary alternatives to Pie
An interesting event! 
The latest film from the reclusive American auteur Brucie Hoops - The Spinning Hannier opens with complete blackness. After an uncomfortable length of darkness, the camera begins to pull out first showing us a zip, then a pencil case, then the pencil case on a desk, then a person sitting at the desk with the pencil case on it, then the roof of the building, then the street, then the city, then the earth, then the galaxy until all we are left with is a point of light in the middle of the vast, empty universe. We cut immediately to a woman falling out a window screaming “Aaaarrrrghhh! The Spinning Hannier got me!” and the opening credits roll.