Sepp Blatter Shock

Wealthy, balding white man isn’t racist, honest

FIFA President Sepp Blatter has denied allegations he’s racist by claiming racism doesn’t actually exist.

A defiant Blatter stated, “Racism is a myth. The concept of discrimination based on race was merely an idea dreamt up by my enemies to discredit me as President. The term ‘racist’ was only invented after my 1998 election win, probably by a black man. Growing up on the Swiss-German border in the 1930’s and 40’s I clearly remember there were no prejudices based on ethnicity whatsoever. This shows that the concept of racism is nothing more than a contemporary illusion.”

Blatter’s stance has angered many footballers, including England defender and Twitter intellectual Rio Ferdinand, who tweeted in response “you are very ignorant and bad man. I don’t like you” and later, “Shepherd’s pie for tea tonight! Yum yum. #gravy.”

This is not the first time the FIFA President has courted controversy. In 2010 he claimed gay people should “refrain from any sexual activities” during the 2022 World Cup in Qatar.

Asked if his opinion has changed, Blatter responded: “No, I would like to apologise to the homosexual community for what I said. You see, I have recently discovered that I am in fact a homosexual in a major way. I now actively encourage homosexuals to take part in as many sexual activities as possible at the 2022 World Cup, preferably in public.” After being reminded that the Qatari state considers homosexuality illegal, he winked and replied “tee hee hee, I’m so naughty.”

Sepp’s light-hearted mood quickly darkened however, when a reporter from The Cheese Grater questioned him on calls for his resignation. “People have thrown many offensive comments my way over the years, calling me things like; corrupt, sexist, Swiss – but this is the greatest insult of them all. How dare they call for me to resign? Me – the man who single-handedly invented the Golden Goal rule! How dare they? How fucking dare they?”

At this point Blatter rose from his seat, tilted his head back and began furiously gesticulating towards his own face whilst screaming the words ‘I am football’ over and over. After 40 minutes the FIFA President was eventually restrained and tranquilised.

A FIFA representative later dismissed this incident, putting Blatter’s actions down to the stress of having been spooked by a mascot dressed as a big blue dog.