Professor Barbara Tresemmé is an internationally renowned expert in education, claiming diplomas from various universities. She has agreed to share with the students of this school her valuable advice on maximising ones potential when it comes to revision – something she dubs ‘examination magic.’

Hi guys. I’m not going to pretend that compressing the depth and breadth of my knowledge in this area into three golden nuggets of advice for you was easy. There were many challenges I had to address. Will I be able to communicate everything I need to say in such a limited space? What if I offend someone and have to go to court again? But you know what? I think I’ve done it. I present to you here my three rules of studying, a surefire route to success!

Disclaimer: My three rules of studying may not be a surefire route to success.

Rule Number One: Be good at studying.

It was when I was a youth that I learnt this first rule of studying, and it has stuck with me ever since- a sort of ‘go-to’ rule, if you will. It may shock you to hear, considering the powerful educator I am today, that I was a disengaged and disruptive child for a significant amount of time. I was known for doing things like leaning back on my chair so it teetered precariously. It was reckless and I’m not proud of it, but there you are: everyone has a past. My teachers had all but given up hope on me. There was no hope left, my life was devoid of all hope. I was hopeless. But there was hope. Hope in the form of a new music teacher: Mrs. Clancy. I don’t think anyone really knew what she was doing in the school to be honest – the other teachers were certainly very confused as to who she was. She only taught us for two short weeks, but I think it’s safe to say they were the best weeks of my life, mainly down to this invaluable life lesson that she taught me. Oh, those short and bittersweet weeks.

It was in one of her music lessons one day. Monday morning, and I was leaning back on my chair, as always. Mrs. Clancy called me up. I sauntered to the front: watch out, here comes trouble! (I can laugh about it now, but my rebelliousness was a real issue and I do not condone it).

She held up my music essay, entitled, ‘Simon Cowell: Icy Cold, or Heart of Gold?’ She said, ‘This essay gets full marks. Barbara is really good at studying!’

I’ll never forget those words! Do as Mrs. Clancy said, and be good at studying! You won’t regret it!

Rule Number Two: Don’t take the mick.

I won’t say it again. Leave. The mick. Alone. Take your dirty fingers off his poor, fragile body.

Rule Number Three: Preparation for the hunger of the studying hours!

Oh, the sheer amount of people who stumble and crash momentously to the ground at this, the most painfully and ironically surpassable of all the hurdles. Now that I am letting you in on the secret, you will not be one of them!

I was studying with Lord Sugar one day, when his stomach grumbled and he was forced to remark “I’m really hungry.” It got me thinking, do we really need to be so hungry when we’re studying? Surely this is a major hindrance to the quality of our work. So I did some research, and unsurprisingly, I was correct. It turns out that every day, thousands of students fail their exams due to lack of food, every month. The average student will sit down to work with their pen, pencil, ruler, paper, notes, text book, and dictionary, but will lack in one major weapon: food! This results in hunger, which in turn leads to distraction, which can in some extreme cases lead to death. But don’t panic! Simply press ‘rewind,’ and sit down to study with all your equipment, plus a suitable range of snacks; and don’t be afraid to branch out on the exotic range of your snacks – it will merely make your study periods more engaging. It was only the other day that David Attenborough said to me, “this food is really nice.”

Now, you will probably never have as a prestigious a set of study partners as I have, but you may achieve a similar level of snacking fun. To conclude, in order to achieve successful studying, eat snacks while working. In fact, adopt this motto: fail to prepare food, prepare to fail exams. That should keep you on your toes!

Those were my secrets to success. I hope you enjoyed reading them, because I know I enjoyed writing them down for everyone to read! Actually, that’s a lie, the whole thing made me feel really uncomfortable.

Next month: Why will too much vocabulary make me fail my exams?

Peta Godgy