“It all changed when I got back from the Christmas holidays” said Marcus Wilson. “People who would have previously nodded politely at my fictional boasts of sexual adventures and endless stories about other people now seem to find the most benign item fascinating whenever they are near me. The best I can hope for is a strained laugh as they smile patronisingly backing out of the communal space they’ve found themselves cornered in”.

“We didn’t decide this unanimously to ignore Marcus. I think we each just came to the conclusion that Marcus was a dick independently,” said house mate Jenny.

Marcus has found some companionship with ‘weird Katy-you know the one who’s really into horses, like really into horses-Smith’. They now spend most of their time in the kitchen drinking endless cups of tea and eating ‘weird Katy’s’ baking experiments whilst making everyone else who needs to cook feel guilty and awkward. Mark informed The Cheese Grater “She’s so weird. I was just trying to eat some pasta before a hockey practise when she brought up the one time she had anal with her first boyfriend. There was ragu everywhere.” ‘Weird Katy’ hasn’t been quite so lonely as she continues to be shadowed by Pete who is oblivious to how deep he is in the friend zone.

Talking to The Cheese Grater Pete said “Girls like boys that listen, so I reckon another month of insatiable listening I might even be in with a chance of feeling her chest pressed against me if we hug. She has already let my graze her boob with my elbow twice! I think she likes me, but she’s just playing hard to get. Two can play at that game.”

Marcus is planning to find new friends by whispering unnecessary and unamusing comments to neighbours in lectures and to invite himself to tag along on your nights outs. “I’ll join the CU if I have to. They have to love thy neighbour won’t they?”

CU president commented “We might have to turn the other cheek and our shoulders to keep him out of conversations. He really sounds like a dick.”

William, formerly Billy, Fresher