Let’s be honest, it was only a matter of time. Now I know, I know: the old ‘which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah and district of Serbia is your university?’ joke is an old one. But we here at the Cheese Grater we thought we’d properly put it to bed! So crack open your Behesht-e Zahra, pour yourself a nice itjihad Ulema or чаша вина as you lie down on your кревет and let’s get pučanjškÿe!

Newcastle University – Ayatollah Sayd Hamid Hussein Musavi / Knjaževac District. Ah Newcastle! City of nightlife! Fun, cheap, boozy, promiscuous, and, like our good friend Hamid, also the author of many books concerning the Abaqat ul Anwar fi Imamat al Ai’imma al-Athar! Likewise, Knjaževac District also possesses a sizeable Romani community! How ’bout that!

Manchester University – Ayatollah Aga Syed Yusuf al-Moosavi al-Safavi / Klokot-Vrbovac District. Okay so this is a tough one! But let’s think about it, guys! Manchester University, like Aga Syed Yusuf al- Moosavi al-Safavi, has an edgy, cool, grunge appeal (Did someone mention ‘old-skool chunes’!?) that is found nowhere else in the North-West! Likewise, Klokot-Vrbovac is an enclave of ethnic Serbs in the predominantly Kosovar Albanian state of Kosovo! Three cheers for standing out from the crowd!

Durham University – Ayatollah Syed Ahmed Rizvi Kashmiri / Voždovac District. Oh, come on! This one is so obvious that I’m not even gonna’ bother explaining it!

Bristol University – Ayatollah Sadiq Hussaini Shirazi / Autonomous Province of Vojvodina. Bristol’s hipster reputation and burgeoning indie-rock scene easily draws comparisons not only to Ayatollah Sadiq Hussaini Shirazi’s opposition to Iran’s theocratic regime which functions under the shadow of Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, but also to the Autonomous Province of Vojvodina’s decision to declare it’s autonomy in defiance of the Parliament of Serbia! These guys are constantly trying to notch things up an extra level of indie!

Exeter University – Ayatollah Mohammad Bahr al-Ulloum / Šumadija District. You guessed it! Šumadija District isn’t unique in it’s position as a modern industrial centre! Like Šumadija, Exeter University was also a long term opponent of Saddam Hussein’s in the 1980s and an appointee to the predominantly Shia Iraqi interim government! Crazy!

That’s all for now! Stay tuned for more fun and crazy lists like ‘Which class of aggravated assault is your university?’ And ‘If your course were a course what course would your course be?’

J. Unkmail


This article was published in CG Issue 58.