Roused into action by being placed 120th in the country for student satisfaction, UCL has thrown its black heart and soul into cheering up its disaffected yoof.

One favourite scheme is the much-loved delayed exam timetable release. Every year, UCL thoughtfully reduces the time during which students feel exam stress by simply not telling them the exams are happening until the night immediately before. And how brave of the college to inspire self-sufficiency in its disabled students by refusing to provide the necessary provisions for them to even sit their exams. Good job!

UCL administration even found time for some retail therapy, blowing £70k on a rebrand of the students’ union. The standard UCL purple colour scheme, deemed by a focus groups to be “just too fucken miserable”, has been replaced by a cheery orange, a colour associated with many positive things such as juice, a reliable phone signal and the royal family of the Netherlands.

Some have argued that this money would have been better spent providing bursaries for disadvantaged students or improving UCL’s mental health services, but here at The Cheese Grater, we remain confident in the iron will of our great Leaders.

Stay strong, Michael!