This year, prepare yourselves for the film so English it’s probably racist: Love Actually 2.

Richard Curtis’ beloved romcom returns with a sobering reminder of the inevitable impacts of ageing, as Hugh Grant emerges from his bachelor cave looking like an expensive vase that’s been dropped and PVA glued back together. Finally, you can have answers to the questions you’ve been asking yourself every night since 2003.

Will Keira Knightly cheat on her loving husband, bewitched by the power of subliminal sign-based harassments? Has Colin Firth bothered to learn Portuguese yet? Is Bill Nighy still alive? And who is the father of Bridget Jones’ baby?

Watch as Sarah’s institutionalised brother is declared fit for work and Colin Firth’s wife is deported by Prime Minister Hugh Grant as he ignores the desperate pleas of Martine McCutcheon, the people’s princess.

In a post-Rickman-world can these figures of British Britishness overcome the bleak bleakness of our time? As Girls Aloud’s ‘Jump’ blurts out from the nation’s television sets, are we all looking into the abyss?
Yes, actually.