Always at the vanguard of the London culture scene, UCLU’s arts journal “SAVAGE” presents an exclusive interview with dancing sensation Ed Balls.

I arrive at Former Chancellor Ed Balls’ dressing room in the gilded halls of the BBC, my heart racing with giddy delight. Could it be true that I, William, a mere reporter for SAVAGE, UCLU’s Premier Arts and Culture Journal, was about to interview this Herculean figure of a man? I knock with baited breath, until a jaunty voice from within bids me entrée.

As I entrée, the great man is hunched over his MacBook, one leg suspended in a cast. “I’m just crafting my next foray into the Twittersphere,” he says over his shoulder. I watch his delicate fingers painstakingly spell out his name. “Please, take a seat.” I sit in the luxurious beanbag Ed motions to with his sensuous porky hand.

He cracks open a couple of bottles of Cava with his teeth, drains his in four seconds and gestures for me to do the same. Unfamiliar with the protocol, I falter and spill half of it down my front. “The trick is to never shit where you eat,” murmurs Ed as he unbuttons my sodden shirt. I nod, culturally. “Let sleeping dogs lie and you’ll fish for a lifetime,” he continues. Every word is pure gold. I reach for my Moleskine to take some notes, but Ed is using it to construct origami models of Miliband’s “Promise Stone”.

I begin to quiz the Chancellor-turneddancer on whether he agrees with me that reality television truly is the “fine art” of the post-Thatcher classes, but he silences me with another bottle of Cava. “Let’s see if you can fit it all in this time,” he whispers. Unfortunately for everyone, we’re interrupted by a knock at the door. Not even UCLU’s Premier Arts and Culture Journal can master the fickle hand of fate. A voice comes through from the other side: “Mr Balls, Yvette’s here for your weekly appointment”.

Ed sighs, and hands me back my shirt. Cradling my face in his bosom-like palms, he intones softly: “An Englishman’s home catches the worm”. I leave in a state of spiritual rapture.

William, Reporter for SAVAGE